| so basically, i am done with this xanga.
i did make new one.
so i guess if i want you to know it, i'll add you.
or maybe you'll stalk it down like a creepy LURK. |
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| why did i write all that nonsense?
i should be banned from alcohol.
seriously. |
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| forgive me, i've been drinking. but i have to talk to you, really. i mean, we don't actually talk anymore. so all i have left are these unread letters to you. i'm in tears right now, is that ridiculous? nine months. nine months since you've been mine, & still i cry over this. over you. i'm never going to love someone like i loved you. like i do love you. i said i don't miss you anymore, but sometimes i still can't help it. there's this boy.. i keep trying to tell myself he's worth it. i keep trying to tell myself that i mean something to him. but i don't really know. & it's not so much that i want you anymore, i just want what we had. but i can never seem to find someone to share it with. & when i do, they never feel the same. which leads to me missing you. because you were the only one. i've had this memory stuck in my head lately: we're at the recording studio. we had to stop there to pick up some equipment for your band's show that night at swayze's. ec is with us. you walk in with him to get something, & i'm standing out by the car. you run up out of nowhere & tackle me. i laugh & spin around. & for a minute, it's like i'm we're the only things not moving. everything is rotating at so fast, & we're int he center. i look at you, & you kiss me. & although we were technically "broken up" at the time, i had never been so happy. you held my hand the rest of the way there. the thing is, that memory was on a very bad night. because that was the night i ended up going with you to that party. that was the night i ended up ruining my life. but before it was detroyed, you kissed me before you played. & then you kissed me afterwards. & i didn't mind, despite the sweat dripping off your forehead. & i worked merch & you kept eating all the candy hearts. & i know i'm rambling now but i just can't help it. i do miss you tonight, i really do. i miss what we had. i miss you coming over after school & crawling through my window. i miss laying in bed with you while you kiss my forehead, my eyelids, my lips. i miss you playing taylor's little plastic guitar. i miss the way i felt the first time i saw "aimless endeavor" by beloved & knew i wanted to spend my life with you. i miss the way i felt the first time we made love while the get up kids played in the background. i miss falling asleep in your arms in the back of swayze's while you waited for your band to play. i miss the time we spent the night at ec's & i woke up so early & decided to wake you up too by ripping off the covers & pouncing on you, & you held me down & kissed me & told me i wake up way too early. i miss the time you fixed adam's flat tire outside of my house & i watched you & thought how boyish you were & how glad i was that you were. i miss the time you & ec spent the night & you spit all over my bed & i had to change the sheets. i was so mad, but you said the sweetest things the morning after so i couldn't help but forgive you. i miss the time after we had broken up that i drove out to see you, despite the fact that i was high as a kite.. we laid in the upstairs hallways & cried, & i told you how i miss you all the time, & you hugged me & kissed me & told me that i was strong so i would be okay. you know what i remember: we were broken up, but i was so depressed one day that i came to you in tears, & you promised to come over right after school. & you did. you looked so beautiful, & i was so in love with you although i kept denying it. we laid on my bed, & i kissed you. i just had to. i could feel you resist, but that was okay. & then i heard you sigh, & you finally wrapped your arms around me & kissed me back. & i knew right then you loved me just as much as i loved you. i know i said i've forgotten some things, but i haven't. i will never forget the feel of your lips. the scent of your skin. the color of your eyes. the sound of your voice. i will never forget all of our memories or how it feels to be so in love. i'm so fucking sorry i hurt you. i'm so fucking sorry that i made you cry. i took my one good thing, & threw it way. now i'll never get it back, or find something that even comes close. i wish i could just never update xanga again. i wish i could just leave this as my last dedication to you. my drunken honesty. i love you. i miss you. i will never forget. & i will never forgive myself. you were my world. you were. you are. i'll be holding on forever. |
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i just wept & regretted this moment. |
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| & you called me the evil one..
look what you've done.
just look what you've done.
i'd ask you to stay away from him.
but i know you're too selfish for that.
texas, i can't wait to be in your arms. |
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